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Battling Depression, depression, Health, Mental Health, overcoming depression, well-being

S Is For Sanity, Now Where Did I Put Mine?

I never really thought of myself as 100% sane, after all, I come with a nice little list of quirks. Don’t we all? It wasn’t until the end of 2002 that I started seriously questioning my sanity. Had I gone off the deep end or had my perception of the world changed? In all fairness to myself, it was a bit of both!

I had gone off the deep end, not that I fully realised it at the time. I’d become chronically depressed and due to my illness my perception of the world had changed. This wasn’t something that happened overnight, it was a slow-growing parasite that only fully took hold at the beginning of 2003.

Now because I didn’t know the first thing about depression and its debilitating effects, I honestly thought that I was going crazy. I no longer recognised the woman staring back at me in the mirror. I didn’t recognise her way of thinking, her instabilities or her insecurities. These things were all new to me.

I did however know one thing for sure, that there was something definitely wrong with me. I just didn’t know what it was, and that was the scariest thing of all. When a doctor told me that I was depressed my first instinct was to shake my head in disbelief. I’m a strong person who has surmounted every obstacle thrown my way. Surely, I can’t be depressed!

That one little word kept coming back to haunt me until I eventually looked it up online and was amazed to discovered that actually I was, in no uncertain terms, depressed. This was not a turning point for me, which it should have been, but somewhere deep inside me I simply refused to believe what was right there in front of me.

I spent a long time raging against this new person I hardly knew and even more time trying to find the person I’d lost. None of which was constructive…


About D.J. Haswell

I battled with depression, brought on by stress, for 10 years. During that time, I made many mistakes, due in no small part to the fact that I perceived my illness as a failing on my part. It took me a long time, coupled with hindsight, to realise that I hadn’t failed in my life, but rather that the circumstance of my life had failed me. I started my blog to bring hope to those currently suffering from the debilitating effects of depression that there is light at the end of what may seem like an unending tunnel!


9 thoughts on “S Is For Sanity, Now Where Did I Put Mine?

  1. Wow…insert the year 2001 and you have MY life. And I’m still wasting a lot of energy struggling against it and all the stigmas, stereotypes, taboos and prejudices that go with it. Especially the ones still within myself. Great post.

    Posted by Michele | May 21, 2013, 8:29 PM
  2. Great post, again, DJ. Thanks for being so sincere and real about everything.

    I started to write a comment to this post earlier, but it became quite lengthy and is now a post of my own on my blog (www.wildcreature.wordpress.com).

    It’s a pleasure following your regular blog posts. Glad to know folks like you are out there fighting the good fight alongside me.

    Take care

    Posted by workingwithwords | May 22, 2013, 4:12 PM
    • I have read your post and obviously can relate in oh so many ways 😉 I’m glad you’re enjoying my blog and that it inspired you to such an extent. Stick with the medication (they do take time to work), the healthy diet and exercise. If you find that your job is too much right now take a break. It might sound scary but it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. Stay strong the best is yet to come!

      Posted by D.J. Haswell | May 22, 2013, 4:33 PM
  3. I can completely relate to this DJ. I think I’ve struggled for about 10 years or so, maybe more, but like you, never gave up. But this meant that I never really accepted that I could be depressed. I had some very good days/weeks so I never thought I could be ‘properly’ depressed. I just thought I was continuosly failing. How sad it that?

    Posted by controlfreak | May 24, 2013, 8:35 PM
    • The simple fact that you have never given up means that you have not failed! Part of the process is to recognise what triggers you and avoid those things as much as possible. Stay strong things will get better 🙂

      Posted by D.J. Haswell | May 24, 2013, 9:27 PM


  1. Pingback: Response to DJ’s latest at A Mid-Life Adventure – My Mind's Not Right! / Teetering on the Brink of an All-Out Breakthrough - May 22, 2013

  2. Pingback: R Is For Wake Up & Smell The Roses! | A Mid-Life Adventure - May 22, 2013

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