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Battling Depression, blogging, depression, emotional well-being, Life's great journey, Mental Health, well-being, writing

…And Then There Was Me…

There is something to be said about the bond between a daughter and her father…

As a little girl I wanted nothing more than to grow up and marry mine. In fact, the sentiment I was trying to portray was to find a man like my father… with the same morals, sense of adventure and humour, with an ability to see the good and funny in most things in life. A perpetual optimist who enjoyed each day as if it where his first.

1972_EHWood_Janine_JoelleMy father was truly a great man, with all of the aforementioned qualities, and while he was alive everything in the world seemed right… with his passing my world dimmed. I lost my footing for a while as it seemed, to me at least, that my father – the eternal believer in my abilities – had taken his faith with him, and that is when the negative, dark thoughts started to filter into my mind.

Perhaps it was because I felt a great deal of sorrow and regret for not getting the chance to say goodbye to this wonderful man I was lucky enough to call Daddy, and that feeling lingered and festered into an unhealthy dose of guilt. Add to that the repeated hiccups that every day life brings, and the stress starts to build with nowhere to go.

Now don’t get me wrong I love my mother but she has the unique ability to rub me up the wrong way. Where my father saw only the good in me, my mother has always tended to see the bad and okay as a teenager I was rebellious to a fault. Having said that I’m now in my forties and have come a long way from the rebel I was. Yet still my mother finds fault, and unfortunately from where I’m sitting, will never fully approve of me or the life I chose…


About D.J. Haswell

I battled with depression, brought on by stress, for 10 years. During that time, I made many mistakes, due in no small part to the fact that I perceived my illness as a failing on my part. It took me a long time, coupled with hindsight, to realise that I hadn’t failed in my life, but rather that the circumstance of my life had failed me. I started my blog to bring hope to those currently suffering from the debilitating effects of depression that there is light at the end of what may seem like an unending tunnel!


5 thoughts on “…And Then There Was Me…

  1. I am touched by your words about your Dad. Neither one of my parents supported me in my desire to become an attorney. They both ostracized me when I confronted my Mother about sexually abusing me, so therefore were not part of my life after that until my Dad and I healed our relationship right before he died this last January.
    I am glad I get to feel the pain I am feeling now.
    Thanks for being the vessel from Ggod to help me do that.

    Posted by shoe1000 | June 12, 2013, 12:16 AM
    • I’m sorry to hear about your father passing, but it was a good thing that the two of you patched things up before he died.
      I had not fallen out with my father and yet the fact that I did not get a chance to tell him just how much he meant to me niggled and gnawed away at me.

      Posted by D.J. Haswell | June 12, 2013, 12:55 AM
  2. It is the exact opposite for me. My mom is my cheerleader (and I hers) and my dad the critical one. It is so true that “sorrow and regret” festers. I am in my mid 40s and am just now learning not to bury my feelings. I have a tendency to do this for negative AND positive emotions. I am allowing myself to be ME and it is starting to feel more and more natural.

    I hope your mom begins to see the good in you and comment on it WAY more than the bad.

    Posted by Leanie | June 12, 2013, 4:53 PM
    • Hi Leanie, thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I have never been very good at burring my feelings, I am an emotional open book and what I feel is written all over my face. What I have learned in my 40s is to let go of certain emotional baggage that serves no other purpose than to eat away at me. I realise that at my age it is slightly redundant to still seek my mother’s approval – after all I’m a grown women, a mother in my own right with few regrets about my life – but the little girl inside remembers the adoring father and wonders why the same isn’t true of the woman who gave life to me.

      Posted by D.J. Haswell | June 12, 2013, 5:37 PM
  3. Sorry for your loss, it is strange for me to read this blog, yes, i so agree our fathers are always seen as such pillars of support to us, yet, i lost my father due to him being an alcoholic when i was 15 so i never had a Father, and my mom divorced when I was three, i also had had just fond memories of the times we did get to spend together. So my support systme was a very strict mother, but, then single Mother’s have a lot to deal with and take on more of the hands on stuff for the kids, so perhaps this is why we don’t always gel with our moms, My own husband decided to commit suicide last month, also leaving two girls behind 10 and 12, maybe because he was such a mentally abusive alcoholic they never had the chance to really have an adoring father, who i had so prayed for in their lives, now, them, like me will have to live a life without a Father figure, that is of course unless i marry again. So tragic

    Posted by starshimmers | June 24, 2013, 9:00 PM

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